Feeling miserable doesn’t punish others, only ourselves.

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This is a concept that I really had a bit of a light bulb moment with recently.  On a side note, it sure would be nice to have more light bulb moments in healing wouldn’t it? I feel like they are few and far between, but when they do happen it’s a pretty amazing feeling.

So anyway, I came to a realization that we cannot use our own misery to try and punish someone else. Feeling miserable only serves to keep us down, inhibit healing, and stay stuck in the past.

That may or may not seem obvious to you, but it wasn’t clear to me until I actually verbalized it and then was validated in my thinking.

It occurs to me that as a way of getting back at my mother, I can stay in a state of mild crisis and struggle. This way she knows that something is up, even if she doesn’t know everything that I have been going through.  I know that she knows this because she’s been sending out Flying Monkey’s more often in the last 6 months than she ever has for as long as I can remember.

What I mean by Flying Monkey’s is, people are coming up to me and telling me how worried she is about me. They say that she doesn’t understand what’s wrong, or what she did that has caused me to step and not interact with her much. I need to call her or contact her asap! Essentially using others to try and convince me to talk and open to her.

These people have mentioned that she, my mother, has told them how much she misses me and loves me. How sad she is that I don’t come over more and that she stays awake at night wondering what’s wrong with me. That she feels that my therapy sessions have done more harm than good.

That right there, that last statement, thoroughly pisses me off. I know how much good I am doing by talking to a professional and finally dealing with my past. In her mind, I could have felt better and “fixed” long ago if I had done her version of counseling. This is quite apparent to me,  because it’s not what she felt was best, so therefore it’s clearly not helping.

I could go on and on, but if you’re a reader of this blog you know that I always speak so highly of J and what’s she’s done for me. Now with my Coach, things are continuing to be put into perspective. Healing from trauma isn’t something you just deal with in 6 months or a year and then you’re all better.

I got off on a bit of a tangent there, but that’s how this blog goes. I write from the heart and write what my heart and mind bring to light for me to put into words on these pages. 

In my mind, to this point, my being upset at all I’ve been through is a way for me to get back at her in some way. It almost makes me feel good to know that she is upset. I feel like I’m vindicated in some way.

I know that those thoughts are valid, in that I’m not the other person who’s been through Narcissistic Abuse and felt this way. However, now that I realize this and accept it, it’s time to change it!

Did I just say, “Accept It”?  Why yes I did, but now the key is the embrace that acceptance and begin to realize the next truth. My being miserable isn’t doing anything but harming me.

I can’t control how she feels or what she feels. She doesn’t feel her feelings the same way that I do. That’s not just because we are human, and no two humans are exactly alike. Rather that’s because we are so completely different in every way possible that we see ourselves and others in opposite ways.

I see others through compassion, love, and complete acceptance of who and what they are.

Since I feel that way, I cannot expect her to feel that way or be able to understand my reasons for the way that I am. I’m a bit more, total understatement there, open minded about many things in life where she is of the more judgmental mindset.

This is BIG for me because it’s a realization that while what I’ve been doing is not abnormal, it is not doing me any good. It’s up to me to put myself first, validate myself, and be OK that I’m healing and wanting the better life that I do.

I don’t need her to feel bad, in order for me to feel good for feeling bad.

Now it’s time to embrace that, live that, and feel good inside that it’s OK to feel good and try to let the past actually be just that, the past. If I’m going to thrive at some point, it starts with me and choosing to embrace Radical Acceptance. Accepting that I went through hell and back, and I’ll never feel good about that.

You can’t feel good about something horrific that happened. You can accept it though, learn from it, and do your best to enjoy your life moving forward.

I will be able to feel good about the future, and being able to use my experiences to help others.



image courtesy of www.pixelstalk.net


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Blogger-Podcaster-Author-Advocate for Mental Health.

Matt is survivor of childhood sexual abuse & narcissistic abuse, living with Dissociation, Anxiety, & PTSD.

This blog exists to inspire all who have survived the trauma of abuse. All posts, podcasts, and videos are my life as a survivor shared openly and honestly to help inspire as many as possible to speak up, speak out, and not be ashamed.

5 Responses to " Feeling miserable doesn’t punish others, only ourselves. "

  1. Dawn says:

    Hi Matt! As always your posts are so inspiring to me. I’ve even started writing again. I sometimes use your posts as prompts. Today has been a bad day, but this is what came out. Would love to hear your feedback. Thanks for everything you do!

    Today, as I stood at the corner of fear and hope awaiting to see what this great day would bring, I ran into an old dear friend, self-pity. As we reminisced for hours about old times we started walking down an old dark, dirty path. Before I knew it we had linked arms and I was finding it harder and harder to stop the momentum. For the briefest moment I spotted the sun and quickly realized that, this path well beaten path was not the path that I belonged on. I turned to my dear old friend and said, “even though we’ve known each other for an eternity we’ve out grown each other, I’m a different person than I was yesterday, a week ago, a year ago. I don’t have the time or the energy for you. You are “safe” and “familiar” but we’ve out grown each other and I need to turn back alone.” So tonight I venture back up the well trodden path of self-doubt and self-pity, alone, I’m not afraid as I know my friends, my real friends, are awaiting me back on the corner of fear and hope, where the sun shines and the possibilities are endless. They await me with open arms and no judgements, just love and understanding.

  2. Kim says:

    Matt, thank you for your openness. Sharing your journey to healing is helping so many. Myself included. I struggle with the same thing, feeling a bit vindicated, almost happy, when someone that has deeply wounded me is hurting in some way. But you’re completely right, it’s only hurting us more. Moving past those feelings is the next step for me.

  3. Yes Matt, this is what I like to see. You’re taking back the power! Her mood cannot affect you if you choose not to place value in it and this is exactly what I want from you. You’re validating yourself Smiles!

  4. lynda says:

    Hi Matt thanks for sharing i had similar thoughts about my mum i wanted to stand up to her but never could because last time i did she attacked me. I have no contact from her and i will never have again for me are relationship is dead. Healing from CSA is a life time thing and we all have different strengths to carry us through like you i take one step one day at a time but your blog resonates with me especially mother and religious abuse thanks for sharing take care

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