This following was inspired after a very humbling, deep, dive into some specific events of the childhood sexual abuse that I suffered.
I was asked to share anything that came to mind about the abuse events, or the abuser himself. Anything at all. I was a bit taken back initially, trying to figure out what I felt comfortable talking about.
I began by sharing some details about the events that led up the start of the abuse. For example, memories of what he looked like, the type of clothes that he wore, the color comb he always carried in his back right jean pocket, the smells around his house and shed, etc.
As I was recalling those thoughts, more about the specific acts began to come to my mind as well. The more I shared, the more I could feel the self-shame starting to really flare up.
The more vulnerable I got, the more I wanted to shame myself. I had to literally bite my tongue a few times to make sure that I stayed on course and share as much as I could before I just had to stop. It became overwhelming much quicker than I anticipated.
After about 10 minutes of me continuously talking, I could sense that I needed to receive some compassion. I felt like I needed some validation.
It should be easier for me to receive that compassion. Did you catch that shaming right there? Using the world “should” in reference to ourselves, is shaming. We are telling ourselves we should have done something and shaming ourselves for not having done it.
Receiving compassion is important to healing, if we can’t receive compassion and love, we can remain all kinds of stuck in our recovery.
Compassion is validating, it’s encouraging, it’s soothing to our broken hearts and minds.
When someone genuinely offers compassion, it lets us know that they care.
That is so important because for so many survivors, we didn’t have people that cared.
There was no-one that cared enough to step up and save us, to come to our rescue. Nobody showed us the compassion we needed.
As children we would have openly received it and embraced that compassion if it was available to us. As adults, if we can openly receive and embrace it in the same way, think about how good that would feel!
If we can stop blaming ourselves and shaming ourselves long enough to embrace some true compassion, it can have a ripple effect on our entire being. The hardest part though is doing receiving it the first time; getting past that initial desire to reject compassion in favor shaming and minimizing ourselves.
I can tell you from firsthand experience that it does get a little easier each time. Getting used to someone showing us kindness gives us a boost of confidence, healing energy, and a sense of self-worth.
If someone cares enough about us to show us understanding, empathy, and compassion, then we must mean something to them.
Conversely, if we let the Guilty Gremlin fight his way back into our minds and push back the support because we think we don’t deserve it, we are hurting ourselves. We are also hurting the person who is trying to help us.
I know it’s hard to not feel shame for what we experienced, to not feel like we are worthless, broken, and not capable of things that others are. Or that we think they are.
It’s a constant battle of “how bad do you want to heal”? How sick and tired are you of feeling sick and tired? How much hard work are you willing to put in, part of which is allowing yourself to be vulnerable so you can receive support?
Healing is up to us, and if we are going to be proactive and seek out help and support, then it’s our job to receive it and embrace it. We have to believe we are worth the help we are seeking out. Otherwise what’s the point of trying to heal in the first place?
It doesn’t happen overnight; trust me I totally get it. There is no timetable, but the important thing is that we are open to the possibility that someday it might be OK for us to feel the way that we want to feel.
That’s all it takes, to believe we are worth receiving validation, encouragement, and support. Doing that can keep us heading down the path towards thriving and empowerment.
When get to that thriving and empowerment stage of your healing journey, you can pass your support, compassion, and encouragement along to someone who needs it. Some who is where you were or maybe are at right now.
This post is part I of a two part series on Shame and the survivor. Part II will posted up soon and then linked here.
image courtesy of www.pixelstalk.net/