One of the things things that I always been known for, pretty much for as long as I can remember, is being an over thinker or over analyzer; reading into situations way too much. That’s just me though, it’s what I do and I pretty much don’t know how to be any other way.
I check every angle of every situation out no matter what it is before deciding if I’m going to do whatever it is I’m contemplating. That is both good and bad, as my therapist says, if it’s in moderation. Are you kidding me, moderation? Yeah that’s not me at all. Once I think something over and decide to do it, I jump in with both feet and I’m, “all in” , as the saying goes. There is problem side of it, I jump in with both feet and immerse myself in something completely and I tend to have tunnel vision. I go 100% all the time, which can lead to burn out at times, which has happened with projects and ideas I’ve had before that didn’t last.
So being a thinker and analyzer, I take things people say to me or about me, and figure out every possible scenario, both good and bad. Give me a compliment and I will figure out a way to diminish it, downplay it, or figure out what your angle is even if you don’t really have one. More often than not, people who compliment don’t really have an angle, but try and tell my head that. They say being able to take a compliment at face value is a big key to healing and raising self esteem. I don’t doubt it, well maybe I do, but in theory it sounds good.
Analyzing and dwelling on things was especially difficult for me as a kid in late elementary school and middle school, when I was bullied. Not only did I have the emotional scars of being called names, pushed around, and generally ridiculed regularly but then to think about it constantly try and figure out why it happened and what’s wrong with me, just made it 100 times worse to deal with. Nothing like beating yourself up emotionally after somebody else spent half the day beating your mind into submission for their own personal gain.
A good thing about being this way, is that I’m a problem solver too. I can usually figure a way out of a situation, working through potential outcomes to find the best course of action. Perhaps that’s why many people feel comfortable coming to me with problems and advice. I listen well, and begin analyzing the scenario as it unfolds and adjust my theories as needed, on the fly. It’s actually kind of neat in some ways I guess.
I also think quickly on feet, as they say. Now, that being said, I’ll come up with something pretty quickly and then mull it over in my head to make sure it’s actually a good idea. Sometimes I talk myself out of it and sometimes I talk myself into it. Either way though, there’s definitely some unique conversations going on up stairs if you catch my drift.
Living this way though is completely exhausting. I swear it’s a wonder I don’t have problems sleeping. I think my brain really does get tired at night and says, “ok I’ve had enough, go crash out” and I can fall asleep easily more often than not.
Being in therapy, this type of mentality gets me into trouble, because I have to look at everything she tells me and try to come up with every reason why it might not work , or why I’m different than others. Why my feelings make it so I won’t be able to heal, or don’t deserve too, as much as someone else does. That leads to some very interesting discussions in her office that’s for sure.
Essentially, being able to turn off my brain is damn near impossible. So part of our chats each week, one of the ongoing things I have to work on, is trusting myself and believing what she tells me can work for me too. Telling myself that, “hey you, you’re OK. You’re safe. Not everyone is out to get you, especially your friends”. “You deserve to heal, to be happy, to live life in the moment and not in the past so much”
Now, just trying to believe it and live it…again, dare to dream but I’ll keep trying, because going back to the way I was, is not an option.