When Complex PTSD and Dissociation Go Hand in Hand.

My good friend, Erin Fado, shares more of her journey in this next guest blogger post here on Surviving My Past. Her blog, YouWillBearWitness.com, shares her experiences growing up in Ireland from the age of four to eighteen when she was the victim of a pedophile ring organised by her parents in a seaside village in the south east of Dublin.

Her posts are also about her life now, and the struggles she faces during her ongoing journey, living with Dissociation, C-PTSD, and DID.  I’m honored to share another post of Erin’s, where she talks about the struggle with Dissociation and how it goes hand in hand with Complex PTSD.

I am a very difficult person to love. Although undeniably charming (my mom will testify), I have a quick temper. I am easily agitated and I have a sarcastic wit, which is often misunderstood. Throughout my adult life, I’ve struggled with the idea that this is just my personality. A strong-willed woman with a self-proclaimed hilarious sense of humor, who will shoot daggers with her eyes if you so much as think about eating that piece of cake of on the plate.  You better start running.

Then, there are the times when my “personality” becomes intensified, yet vacant. I shut down. Sometimes, it happens so slowly I can almost watch myself shut down. Sound changes, light fades, everything moves as if into the distance. So far away. I try to pull myself back but I can’t.  Fight as I may, the protector in me always wins, resulting in involuntary dissociation. I find myself struggling with intense emotions or overwhelming memories, flashbacks that assault my very being, my very core of existence.

Then my post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) symptoms usually elevate, causing my overprotective brain to dissociate. Dissociation can be defined as disruptions in aspects of consciousness, identity, memory, physical actions and/or the environment. I can experience dissociation once a day, twice, three times or more. It is so debilitating it drives me crazy.

Most of the time, this isn’t something I choose. It happens automatically. Spontaneously. Often at very inconvenient times. All of that said, to me, dissociation is about survival. It took me a really long time to get to the point where I could view it as such, however. Once I did, I started to feel less shame about dissociating and through the guidance of my therapist, began giving myself permission to dissociate when I need a break from emotions that trigger past trauma.

Recently, my PTSD was triggered by a friend texting me telling me that she was going to commit suicide. I felt hopelessly inadequate. I am not a professional and cannot help her in that way. I can listen but am terrified of saying the wrong thing but also am not well enough to listen to her story. I felt pressured to talk about trauma from my past, and I was made to feel like I was a liar as I glossed over my own story and minimized it.

Quite honestly, I felt attacked by her as she openly said you don’t understand, you haven’t been through anything like I have. I felt betrayed by her even though that was not at all her intention. After my time with her I do, however, remember walking to the car in a dreamlike state. By the time I was home, safe, I had sunk into a triggered traumatic flashback state, then dissociated and that claimed my life for the better part of two weeks. The dissociation is a safety net to protect me from the childhood abuse that I experienced for fourteen years. When the flashbacks erupt in my brain that is when the dissociation happens to protect me from them.

If you would like to share your story of being a survivor, just contact me anytime!