I think that’s the worst feeling of all, but interesting how in my tracker sheet over the last few weeks, I haven’t used that feeling until today. Why is that?  Maybe because it was just so obvious that I didn’t think to put it down?  Maybe I just didn’t realize that feeling was there, among the sadness or worry or other feelings I have on those sheets.

Oh, if you haven’t read some of the previous entries on my new site here, I’ve been spending the last month tracking my various moods, thoughts, and feelings, mainly the negative ones. Loneliness, Discouragement, Anxiety, Flashbacks, Sadness, etc. We go over these in therapy sessions to try and help pinpoint triggers, and just better understand any patterns that develop.

I think, above all else, discouragement is the one thing that just brings you down and keeps you there. It seems hopeless at times, knowing that a flashback is bound to happen when I east expect it.  On the flip side, since I’ve been tracking these feelings, I can tell when they are likely to happen, but still they hit me before I have time to react.  That’s why using grounding skills or coping skills or anything else isn’t as effective. I don’t get some type of feeling hit me and then get a flashback.  It just comes out of nowhere.

If it’s not a flashback, it’s an overwhelming sense of sadness or loneliness that can hit at any time.  Then of course when those feelings hit, I have to sit there and embrace them and let them permeate my thoughts and entire being for awhile until I feel like I’ve felt enough pain to move on until the next time.

Who in the world wants to re-live feelings like that, and it’s so real, it’s like it’s happening all over again. Truly if someone hasn’t been through something like this, they couldn’t possibly understand.

Discouragement = Hopeless.

This is one of those feelings where it can be something that dominates your every day life, all day long or one of those those feelings where, in my case, it hits me randomly but definitely on a regular basis. It comes and goes, and the anticipation of knowing that feeling is going to hit, but not knowing when, keeps me in a prison in my own mind.

Anticipation is as bad as the actual event in this case. Yet something else to work on in weekly sessions. Just keeping myself, “you are getting help and this won’t last forever”.  Now if only to believe it too….



This was from my private journal 1/24/16.