Home emotional abuse How I Rebuild Myself After an Emotionally Abusive Relationship.

How I Rebuild Myself After an Emotionally Abusive Relationship.

by Matt Pappas

If you are going through a heartbreak or an abusive relationship then, let me tell you, you are not alone. Women often fail to understand the essence of a healthy relationship. Abuse is not just physical; it can be mental and emotional too. It is just a matter of courage to realize it.


If you ask me about it, I would say that it is not easy. It is hard to go through that emotional stress. An emotionally abusive relationship takes a toll on us. The saddest part is, it is invisible. It is intangible but hurts. The first sign that you are in an abusive relationship is that you feel unwanted. In such an affair, you feel unworthy. Abusive partners are often manipulative. That is why it is difficult to realize that you are in an abusive relationship. These days you will come across many people who are overcoming a toxic relationship. They all have the same pain, but the intensity of that pain varies. No words of the loved ones make any difference. But the most devastating thing about it is that it makes you question your self-worth. It breaks your confidence.

If you have been ever abused in a relationship, then consult Sam Dordulian that can help you get justice in an abusive relationship. In the same way, for emotional abuse you have counselors; that is how real emotional abuse is in today’s world.

Studies have shown that there is a whole cycle of abuse. The abusive relationship has some stages. There are four stages: tension building, an incident, reconciliation, and calm. It is a very generic approach. It is a valid pattern.

In each of these stages, the abuser has the victim under control. The victim is in a state of trance where they fail to realize their situation and misery. For instance, a classic example of such a situation is how your strong independent friend is in a relationship with a man who doesn’t give her any importance. The problem here is, you know that that same friend would have never advised you to be in a relationship with such a man. Here, you can see how blinded that friend is; she fails to realize her misery. And it is not her fault; this is a classic trait of a toxic person. Toxic people manipulate you, they keep you in their control, and they will make you feel sorry for reasons unknown.




Building my self-confidence after the toxic relationship was one of the toughest tasks I have done to date. And it is not an exaggeration. After the relationship where you are abused mentally, it takes a lot of courage to pick up the pieces and move on. Unlike other heartbreaks and breakups, in an emotionally abusive relationship, your self-confidence is obliterated day by day.

Here are some ways you can work on your self-confidence after an emotionally abusive relationship:

It’s okay. Take your time: When I said, it was not easy, I meant it. People around you will remind you time and again to forget what happened. They are right, but they fail to understand why it is so hard. After being in a state of trance for months, sometimes even years, when you finally see the man for who he is, it becomes painful to come into terms with reality. So take your time, go easy on yourself. Don’t ask questions like “How did this happen to me?”, “How was I so blind?”

Remember that you are not alone. There are going to be good days and bad days. On the bad days when you are fighting with the past, don’t be harsh on yourself. Self-care is essential, but do it on your own pace. The healing takes time; not everyone can heal at the same rate.

Boundaries and beyond: At times, being a little stern about the boundary is safer. Don’t allow everyone inside that boundary. It helps to keep out the toxic people. The same goes for beyond that boundary. Choose wisely. Don’t cross that boundary for just anyone. Not everyone is worthy. After an abusive relationship, you will need yourself more than anyone else. So give that time to yourself.

Learn to forgive yourself: I wish I could explain exactly how hard it is to forgive yourself. It takes an immeasurable amount of courage; it is one of the hardest and essential steps to overcome the trauma of an abusive relationship. Once I came out of the abusive relationship, it was hard to forgive myself. I couldn’t believe that I let myself go through all the pain. I realized how delusional I was back then. It will take time. You will make promises to never think about it, and break them too. You would promise yourself to never text them, but you will do it anyway. And that’s okay.


You will hate yourself every time you do this. But try to forgive yourself as many times as required. It is a part of the healing process. No matter how hard it is, always remember that you have done it. You are out of that toxic life. You are free now. And never fail to praise yourself for being so courageous.

Write your own story: When I was going through the phase, I was blessed with friends who cared. They were there to listen and not judge. But of course, that was not enough. An abusive relation pulls you down in your own eyes, and there are times when you will not be able to share everything with your friends. For such stories, maintain a journal. It helps a lot. Write down your thoughts; thoughts that you can’t share. And on the bad days read those pages and see how far you have come. How much you have gone through. It will help you to justify your actions to yourself. Not anyone else but yourself. No one is a better listener than the pages of an empty diary. So go ahead and pen down all that’s going on in your head.

Give yourself another chance: Don’t let a bad past ruin the possibility of a beautiful future. Love yourself enough to give yourself another chance at happiness. Yes, it is easier said than done. It will take time. Healing is not easy. Do everything that you always wanted to do. Treat yourself the way you would treat others. Love yourself the way you loved someone who never cared.

Don’t be hard on yourself. Take your time to heal. Just like a cut on your skin, your heart will take time to heal.

Being an ardent literature fanatic, I took to writing during my healing period. Find something that you are passionate about; give it your time. Your soul will feel peace.

During my phase, I had written a line that kept inspiring me. I hope it will help you too.

‘Feel the pain that you are going through. Pain is strong, it heals you too. Let it mold you into something stronger and better.’

Never forget to love yourself enough to walk away from the toxic people. And once you do, never look back again.

Written by Rebecca Siggers, Guest Blogger.


All information shared on this website, written by the owner or any guest blogger content, is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing on SurvivingMyPast.net is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers.

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1 comment

Rasputnik 6502 April 19, 2020 - 4:11 pm

Hi Matt
i’m going through your blog and picking some facts from your life – some of them were also a part of my story. Except of sexual abuse, i think. And it gives me some hope that if you were able to fix your life, i might succeed some day as well.
My childhood – i remember fear, lack of support, distance and coldness of my father & mother, some fights at home, keeping my mouth shut. And the belief that i’m no good, i’m a disappointment, i’m weak, ugly, incompetent. And shame, always there, just ashamed that i am what i am, the worthless, broken child who deserves only the worst treatment. This is what i had in my head all my childhood, to this day i cannot pinpoint where it all started. Then the consequences – shyness, avoiding of people, then social phobia (i think). And bullying, beating, humiliations at school, both from other kids and also some teachers. These years broke me in fact, i never felt in control of my life and never had the strength and confidence to live my life according to what i think and what i want.
This resulted, i think, in a marriage that i’m in now, for 18 years. It’s an abusive relationship, but this realization only came about 2 years ago. Before that i was slowly trained to believe that if there’s something wrong then it’s my fault, my wife is just perfect, innocent and only sometimes dissatisfied with me. I think this was a long process, she has some natural instinct and ability to control what i’m thinking and what happens to my emotions, it’s just amazing how she can put the blame on me or sb else even if she’s clearly at fault. And the use of accusations, insinuation, bad mouthing, or sudden and unexpected verbal aggression -it has intensified in recent years and has really done a job, im a changed person, it has eaten what was left from my self esteem and i’ve been feeling like i’m disappearing day by day. Funny that i knew there are some problems, even started some psychotherapy 2 or 3 times but i was so much convinced that all the problems are within me (and it really aligned well with what the psychologists wanted to see) that i never looked at my marriage, even had some anxiety and depression problems but i blamed my work and stress for it…
The realization came when i discovered some blatant lies, she attacked my family with all kinds of accusations and i believed her until i started digging deeper and discovered that many stories have been fabricated. And i have seen some behaviors that were shocking to me – some cruelty towards our kids, inability to say ‘sorry’, inability to admit doing anything wrong, there’s just no limit to the manipulation, denying and lying that she can resort to convince herself and others that she’s the perfect one.
Now i see all that, but still i feel stuck. There are kids, there are all things we built together, but there’s no more trust and no way to fix it. I see her tricks, but it doesnt stop her from doing the same things – i think she doesnt do it on purpose, its just the way her brain works, she’s just in her version of reality and there’s no communication, just denial. Anyway, im trying to give myself some kick in the butt to take some action, to untangle myself from this, to get some control – it feels hopeless, i really feel i have no way of handling it. If i point out anything that my wife does that hurts me – it’s immediately denied or i’m attacked. I just dont have any method of handling this, of putting limit to that, and she knows that she will get away with it and will never be held responsible.
For now i’m trying to distance myself from that, to not allow her to hurt me too much, to improve my self confidence, but its a wrong place to be, being in this marriage undoes anything good that i could do to myself. THat’s the toxicity of it, i know its wrong but i cant find the strength to break from it. And i’m pretty sure its all because of my past, without the childhood problems i would not allow this to continue for that long, and would have the clarity and courage to walk away instead of giving in to everything.
If you (or anyone else) has any good advice i’ll be happy to read. but even writing this all helps me feel better a little. Need just some trigger to start acting and stop worrying about all the bad consequences.


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