The following is an email that I sent to a friend, late at night when I couldn’t sleep and just felt like writing why I couldn’t sleep. This post contains all types of random thoughts; perhaps some of which you can relate too as well. I know for me personally, my mind wanders late at night quite often. 

I’m not really sure why I’m sending you this email right now, maybe I just feel like chatting with you or expressing something or…hell I don’t know. My mind wanders about all sorts of things quite often; does yours do that too?

It’s quiet here, just the sound of Flash’s tank, the fish tank, and some music going to break up the silence. I really can’t stand total silence. I need some kind of distraction.  Especially in hotels, I have to play music or something, because that silence is deafening. I always refer to it as a Thunderous Silence.

I’m not sure why I am that way, maybe it’s the past abuse. In fact I’d imagine that has a lot to do with it. It definitely seems to be worse since I have been living alone these last few years though. I mean back when I was married there were always 2 or 3 dogs in bed with me and if nothing else their snoring would help break the silence.  Plus, the comforting presence of a dog at my feet, or right up close to my face always made me feel a little better.

Both of the dogs were mutts. I can always remember how one of them would wake up and often times was right next to my face. When I’d open my eyes she would be RIGHT there looking at me and give me this sloppy doggy kiss, and then go back to sleep.  It sounds silly but I kind of miss that.

Being alone here is hard my friend. Even when one of the kids is here, although I love having them here so much, I still miss having someone to come home too.  I know I’m more than capable of living alone, I mean I’ve been doing it for a long time now. On the flip side, there were countless times even when I was married that I still felt alone.

Maybe you just never really get used to being lonely. You just deal with it.

I think about trying to date again, and I have been putting myself out there but it seems fruitless more often than not. Even if a date goes well I’m waiting for the bottom to fall out on me; know what I mean?

Anyways, enough about that. Don’t mean to bug ya but felt like sharing that for some reason.

On a different note; I realize I have made strides in this last year and half or so ( in my healing journey) but it doesn’t always feel like I’ve come all that far. Some days it’s not so bad and other days it’s just like I’m back at square one. Honestly I think it’s the days that aren’t so bad that scare me more than the good days. I still just cannot get past this feeling that having a good day doesn’t mean that I’m suppressing the past again. I spent so much time ignoring my trauma that I often feel guilty when a day or weekend goes well.

It’s almost as if, well not almost, like I feel better if I try to force a flashback (yes I do that but not as often anymore). Connecting with my trauma helps me learn and reassures me that I’m dealing with it.  Since I wrote that post about Flashbacks Diminishing, I’m probably just as nervous about them as I was when they were coming nearly every morning in the shower.

I should be ecstatic that they have nearly ceased, but it concerns me nonetheless. I feel as if they are just hiding in the bushes, just out of sight, waiting to pounce back on me at a moment’s notice.

If I look at this healing journey with a Rational Mind, the things that I’m doing are starting to pay off and I should be glad that my hard work is yielding some fruit. I know I should try to focus on that more, but it’s so much easier to focus on why, rather than just accepting it. Essentially looking a gift horse in the mouth if you catch my drift.

Different note…it’s funny how blogging has become such a big part of my life. I mean I was never much of a writer in school. I just didn’t care back then. As long as I passed my classes that’s what mattered most; I didn’t care if I got an A or not, as long as passed.

I guess maybe my love of writing started way back when I was running some sports related websites.   Even when I stepped back and just did some freelance writing for a buddy’s website, I really enjoyed breaking down the games, stats, players, and all that stuff.

I was always able to put my own spin on an article and ended up building a pretty nice following over the years. The downside being that it ended up driving a wedge between me and my family.  You couldn’t tell me any different though, I had to write. I had to get that post out after the game each week. I had to get posts up several times a week too, it was always more stress than fun. More work rather than a release.

I’ve learned since those days, to pace myself more. I wasn’t taking a break and my priorities were totally out of whack.  It takes a certain type of person to run a blog/website successfully and still have a real life outside of the keyboard.  I’ve learned from that, but it was a tough lesson.

My writing now is so much more meaningful. I mean I feel these things I post up on SMP. They are real to me, they are truly me, even as scary as that is at times. This site really is an extension of me, in a much healthier way than other sites were before.

One big difference now is that my writing doesn’t feel like a job, like it used too. It comes from the heart and it’s all me 100%.  It’s a release and a true inner passion.

Wow I just realized how much I’m rambling on here;  my apologies.   Right now you are saying, Never apologize for sharing through your words…right?

 Next topic…I swear I’ve never had so many weird dreams in my life until I started taking Fluoxetine several months ago. I think generally I sleep pretty ok, but man if I take it in the morning because I forgot too the night before, I am so tired. Like this morning, I did that and today I had almost no energy at all. I need to pay more attention to the reminders on my phone.

The dreams are so real; I mean so much more intense than anything I’ve ever experienced. They aren’t the good dreams, the cool dreams, they are the whacked out, off the wall, weird shit that I can only remember for a few minutes when I wake up and then they are gone.

Ya know what I really miss? The flying dreams. I used to get them a few times a year. Have you ever had those; the ones where you could literally just jump and take off like Superman or the Green Lantern.

I can remember flying all over the place just looking down at the earth. Flying with the birds; man that dream is like the best ever!  I haven’t had that one in probably two years at least, that I can recall. Maybe longer.

Last topic…I am so stoked for a conference in November, Trauma Recovery University LIVE. Just being around some of the survivors that are coming, and the speakers that will be there will be so amazing. I’m nervous but excited. I just know it will be life changing.

I know I rely on your wisdom way more than you rely on mine, my friend, and that’s OK of course.  Just always know that you ever want to shoot the bull or get something off your chest, hit me up anytime.

I’ve taken up enough of your time tonight, but thank you so much for listening, friend.

-Matt

 

Image courtesy of wallpapercave.com