This Guest Blog post comes from, CJ, who previously shared a heart-felt post about self-image, here on the blog. This short but powerful post walks us through the initial feelings after her very first realization that she is now not only a suicide survivor, but now also a childhood sexual abuse survivor.
Thank you CJ for sharing your realization with us, and for being so brave. You are not alone as you take your first steps on this new healing journey. Embrace and each out for the help that is available, we are here for you.
I’ve had a few days to let these new feelings stew within me. Feelings of sadness and guilt. My initial shock and fear. And the big one… ANGER!
I knew going into therapy, I was going on a journey to heal myself from depression and anxiety, as well as recover from my suicide attempts. The darkness had consumed me so much I needed professional help. And if I didn’t seek it out, I would surely be dead, or committed to some sort of institution.
But never in a million years was I prepared for any of this. I agreed to Hypno-Therapy to delve more into my subconscious mind. For what I wasn’t remembering. Why this darkness was consuming me so. I certainly found out.
To be honest, if I had to do it over again, I don’t think I’d agree to it again. I would take it ALL back.
After I left my session, I wanted to die. I wanted to kill myself. Thoughts of ending my life had never been so clear. I could have easily taken a razor blade to my wrists or taken a full bottle of pills and not told a soul. My eyes were swollen from crying I could barely see to drive home.
M (my therapist) made me call her when I got home because she was worried about me. I’m glad she did. She was able to talk me down. But instead of feeling weak, and sorry for myself. I felt guilty and angry!
WHY?!?!? Why in the HELL would you not believe your loved one when they tell you something “hinky” is going on??? Especially when this is a young child left in YOUR care.
While I wasn’t raped, I might as well have been. With the flashes and the dreams, it makes me sick to my stomach. It makes me feel dirty. It makes me feel like I’ve done something wrong. It makes me feel guilty. I know I’ve done absolutely nothing wrong. It wasn’t my fault. Hell, I don’t even remember how old I was. I can only go by what I now remember.
These are the feelings that I have to work through. Everything that has happened to me in the past and the person I am, is adding up and I’m finally getting answers.
And so my journey continues. I’m going to have to be stronger. And work harder to get through this not only as a suicide survivor, but as a survivor of childhood sexual abuse.
This for me, will be the new norm.
If you would like to be a guest blogger and share your story, just contact me anytime.
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