I try to never look a gift horse in the mouth when it comes to someone who’s putting forth the effort to encourage me in any manner. In fact, I’m grateful for it usually, or at least I should be.  If I know they are genuine and their words are heart felt, it’s at least easier to take than that generic response I get from an acquaintance or family member that asks, “hey, are you ok?”  I reply usually with, “yeah just a rough day.”  To which they reply, “oh that sucks, it’ll get better.”

Well ya know what, I just really don’t want to hear that sometimes.  I mean really, do they know it’s going to be ok? Do they really even care? They don’t know what I deal with on a daily basis. How flashbacks hit me and I remember like it was yesterday, the sexual abuse by the teenager I thought was the coolest guy ever. They don’t know how being divorced twice, affects you well past the time the marriages end regardless of the reasons they ended.  I feel like they couldn’t walk a mile in my shoes if they tried.

Maybe that’s kind of selfish and closed minded, because I get that everyone has problems and people may indeed be genuine even if the words don’t sound it. Everyone has parts of their past that haunt them, or secrets that nobody knows about.  I do get it, honestly. I think that’s why I don’t give that half-assed, “it’ll be ok” or “things will get better” response. I know what it’s like to live with Dissociation, PTSD, Anxiety, and being OCD on top of it, so I can relate to someone who’s dealing with Mental Health problems and know where they are coming from in some ways.

Living with an overwhelming sense of, well, being overwhelmed with so many emotions is a daily struggle. The worst part being that I have no idea which one will surface and when it will surface.

  • It could be that feeling of the teenager who abused me, standing right behind me.
  • Maybe it’s reliving the sexual acts themselves, like they are as real as the times it happened.
  • The PTSD, any random trigger that comes up out of the blue. Like a Flannel shirt or maybe orange shag carpet, plaid shirts, or old drinking glasses that are shaped a certain way. Of course there’s the things that I don’t even know are triggers yet, that become one.
  • The memories of a marriage gone bad, twice.
  • Sometimes it’s a feeling of being scared of the future from a financial standpoint, or from a relationship standpoint.
  • Sometimes it’s just sadness for no reason. That’s probably the worst, random sadness and despair.
  • Sometimes it’s lack of self-esteem in any number of ways, both physical and emotional.
  • Sometimes it’s a day that doesn’t go as planned and I can’t handle the pressure, the changes at the last minute.  That total lack of control of a situation, it can drive me up a wall and put me on edge. I don’t like change and things not going as planned.
  • If I’m put into a situation where I need to Fight, Flight, or Freeze; will I freeze again and go on auto-pilot?
  • Worrying about if an upcoming session will get cancelled because of the weather, or some unforeseen circumstance. Will I be able to get two sessions in the next week?
  • The feeling that I can’t love again because my heart is dark, and my blood is cold . To be able to let go of trust issues and believe a partner will be there through thick and then and be loyal.

Sometimes I wonder how I go about daily life. The only reason I get through the work week is because my job keeps my mind occupied so that I don’t have time to think about anything else.  It’s almost as if my mind is giving me a reprieve by letting me concentrate on my job, but then when I get home it’s like, OK NOW IT’S TIME TO DEAL WITH YOUR LIFE AGAIN!  Here we go, 3…2…1,  and…..SAD, DEPRESSED, LONELY, HURT, SCARED, ABUSE, might all hit me at the same time or a few here and there. Pretty much a crap shoot.

Distracting skills don’t always work because it’s hard to get my mind off of what it’s focusing on. I am a thinker, an analyzer, it’s what I do. But I do it so much that I can’t turn it off unless I’m at work or sleeping. On that note, I don’t know how I sleep at night other than my brain just shuts off from pure exhaustion I guess.  The little hamsters up there get worn out so they stop at night to plan the next day’s events that will keep them busy spinning that wheel of my emotions.

People think they know me; but they don’t know the real me. Very few people, and I mean less than a few really know the real person that I am. My friends and family would be shocked to know what I go through on a daily basis. How I feel like I could become so unhinged at times.  Even on a good day, relatively speaking, when I can actually enjoy myself, I know that it’s coming again, one or more of those emotions just waiting to sneak back up bring me back to reality.

One day I do hope that things will be better. That I can live a life that my therapist tells me is possible. A life of a survivor who is empowered by their past. Who can help others and realize that if I can beat this, I can do anything I set my mind too.  That would be nice for sure. But until then, hearing “it’ll be ok” just doesn’t cut it, nor does it help.