This is part II of a post that initially wasn’t going to be more than that. If you haven’t read part 1, I’d encourage you to do so before reading this one so you have a better understanding the of events that I’m going to write about coming up.
Last session, which was yesterday as I’m putting these thoughts down via my keyboard, J brought up how things were going with my mom. Immediately it sent me into an anxiety rush and I left there so frustrated I didn’t know what to do with myself. It took me a few hours to process everything after it was over.
I went to work today, things were pretty slow fortunately, and after work I went to pick up my son and grab a couple pizza’s for my parents birthday party (they have the same birthday). On the way over I could feel the anxiety starting to creep up on me but I tried my best to ground myself while I was driving. So we arrive and thankfully I had my 3 kids there to act as a buffer between my mom and myself. I don’t go over there without at least one of them with me so I can just sit back and talk to my and pretty much try to keep my distance from any possible opportunities she has to ask how things are. Of course I never let on to my kids about this, they are just glad to see “gma and gpa”, and I’m OK with that.
The next two hours were spent listening to my kids talk to my mom, scarfing down some pizza and birthday cake, and me pretty much just talking to my dad and my kids. I couldn’t wait to get out of there and get to a therapy session that thankfully was scheduled that evening. Boy was that ever a double edged sword just waiting to strike!
I will say that I don’t hate my mom, I’m just unbelievably frustrated and angry at her for the betrayal of trust that I realized had occurred once I read the letter she had written. When I found out that she told MY story, of MY past, to so many people, I’ve been feeling the one thing I haven’t been able to for so long…anger!
I drop off my son, head over to therapy and walk into J’s office (my therapist), and sit down on the couch which has become a second home for me even if it isn’t the most comfortable thing ever. She realized immediately that things were the same now as they were when I left the last session.
“How are you?” she goes. “I just left my parents house”, I said. “How did that go you ask? Just friggin peachy!!”
I’m not an angry person in general, I just don’t get mad that often, but it’s starting to surface big time now and I’m feeling this emotion I’m not used to feeling. It’s strange to me, but I guess it’s good that I’m getting it out. Of course that doesn’t give me any satisfaction right now. All I feel is frustration of the betrayal. I’ve kept her at arms length my entire life, ever since the abuse happened at the hands of the neighborhood kid up the street so long ago.
Emotional Mind is completely running my life now when it comes to my mother. J is using everything in her skill set 
to get me to see that the anger is OK, but that I can’ t change who my mom is. Dwelling on it is not going to help. Queue “Radical Acceptance” in 3…2…1. The anger is totally justified, but I’m hanging on too tight and it’s becoming a serious wedge in what was already a tenuous relationship at best.
I know I internalize way too much, but one can only do that for so long before you explode. I can feel myself getting to that point with her, but I have to stop because I wouldn’t want my kids to see it and I’d feel like the world’s biggest asshat if I actually said what’s on my mind. I can sit in J’s office and just rant away until the cows come home; she listen’s and validates me, but also tries to steer my emotions in the right direction and utilize Radical Acceptance.
I’m learning to do that in many aspects of my life, so I know I’m making progress in my healing but I have a serious mental roadblock when it comes to the woman who took my secret and spread it half way across the free world. Good intentions or not, she had no right and I can’t get past it.
So the entire hour was spent talking about that whole situation, and just before it was time to go, J suggested a two hour session to write a letter to my mom and just get it all out on paper. That’s how I cope the best, writing. She wanted to give it to me for homework, but I was like “oh hell no”, I’d rather be here with you as I write this to get all the support and Rational Mind I can get.
That session is scheduled for two weeks from now because I need time to let the emotions simmer down so I can think clearly and try to not let Emotional Mind run wild on this topic. In reality though do I think they will simmer down? Probably not. That session is going to be as tough a one as I’ve had to date I would imagine.
That’s my story right now of how my therapy sessions have taken what I think is a downward spiral and that I’m backsliding in my healing, but in reality I’m actually moving forward. I just can’t see it that way quite yet.
-Lyric
Hi, I am a pastor’s daughter survivor of childhood incest & clergy sexual assault. I teach a wonderful support group called Beauty Out of Ashes which might be of help to you as well as my book, Listen to the Cry of the Child. I ship copies all over the world including prisons. Please visit my web site & read everything. If you’d like to contact me please feel free to do so. Read a portion of my story in http://droppingkeys.net/listen-to-the-cry-of-the-child/
Writing that letter is going to be one of the hardest things you’ve done in a long time, but I sense deep down you really do want to restore the relationship between you and your mother, or at least establish a new, different relationship with her. I’m cheering you on, Lyric.
@joypaulinesmith
Hiya Joy, I really don’t know that I want to restore the relationship. In a perfect world, sure, but right now there is so much animosity and anger that just the very thought of having any type of close mother/son relationship with her, pretty much makes me cringe and raised my anxiety. Establishing a new one with her, yes probably so, one of even less contact now than there was before. This whole thing is just such a pain to deal with. Thanks for being my friend and supporter Joy, you are amazing! Never forget that.
So proud of your strength in that you’re willing. Your mind is open. You’re trying to make sense of it all. That’s often difficult and exhausting work. I get the buffer. It’s interesting you say that. I can see how the kids taking gma’s attention is helpful. I hope the letter writing is a good process for you. Writing is easier for me too. ?
Thank you Vennie. My mind is open now to what went down, that’s for sure. It’s open to the fact that anger has been suppressed and is finally starting to surface. It’s open to making sense of this whole situation, but there are still just gigantic road blocks standing in the way of understanding right now. Or maybe it’s that I finally understand what’s been going on but trying to accept it, that’s the real road block I think. (this is me thinking out loud). I’ll keep you posted on how that process goes of writing the letter.