I recently put up a post about how I’m working on discovering what my boundaries are, and if I have any that are healthy. I know that I do have boundaries, but I’m working on trying to establish more healthy ones and less unhealthy ones.
Anyways, I hope you’ll take a look at that post and see where I thought initially that I had very few healthy boundaries, where as in this post I’m discovering that I do have more than I thought. I just wasn’t thinking broad enough I guess, or quite possibly not giving myself enough credit. Imagine that, right!
I’m currently in the middle of reading, Joining Forces, Empowering Survivors to Thrive, by Dr. Howard Franklin. I highly recommend it by the way (and no I get no kickbacks for saying that). In chapter 8 of that book, it talks about establishing healthy boundaries. I have a right to set healthy boundaries and you do too!
In that chapter, there’s a print out of a spreadsheet that contains various statements where the reader is to answer in terms of how they view their own life. I’ve attached my answers below. For the the purposes of my exercise, I omitted some that don’t really apply to me and added a few that weren’t on the list. It’s by no means a full list and you can add in your own too if you’d like. I uploaded up a blank copy that you can download if you want. As always, and I state this on the page, this could be triggering for some so please use it wisely and seek the help of a professional to help you work through it if you feel that’s a safer way to approach this. I’m not a mental health professional, I’m just a regular guy.
Anyways, these statements initially seemed like a no brainer to me and I never thought of some of them as real boundaries until now.
What’s interesting is, not the ones where I answered “always”, but the ones where I didn’t. That reaffirms to me that I still have work to do and gives me some specific direction to follow. I can still be influenced by others, or coerced into going out if I don’t feel like it. While I do personally decide if I go therapy or not, I feel like I need to at the advice of the professional. Same goes with the prescriptions I’m on.
While some of these may seem simplistic and just kind of, “duh”, it’s not so much that way for everyone. Depending
on where you are in your recovery journey and what your personal situation is, what you’ve been through, and a myriad of other factors, the answers aren’t so cut and dry in a positive sense.
I just thought I’d share that with you, because it was kind of encouraging for me to find something like this that I can use on my healing journey. I do have some healthy boundaries, and you do too. Find something, anything, and build on it no matter how small you think it is. Every healing journey can only be done one step at a time.
Just maybe there are a few more positives in my life than I thought. Wait, did I just say that?
-Lyric
I absolutely love & admire your sense of self-awareness. *.*high-fives*.*
You know me Athena, it’s hard for me to give myself any credit, but when I saw this worksheet I was like, Wait those are healthy boundaries? Well who knew! 🙂 Thank you for all of your support and encouragement my friend, it means the world!
Once I understood that I COULD exercise my boundaries and that I could handle the possible backlash, I realized for me, my boundary line is simple. It ends when someone begins to affect my well being. The moment someone crosses that line, because they have to have had time to get to know me to step close to me anyways, I literally say fuck off, block them if it’s online, delete their number if it’s in real life and if I have to grieve the loss, I do and then I move on. I distanced myself from my mother for most of my adult life before she died in 2007. I did not talk on the phone with except to see “things are great!” Even if my life was falling apart because anything said could be ammo for an attack later. I let her have a distant relationship with my kids. There was a time when they were little that we lived close and she got to take them for weekends, but I openly let her know, you fuck with my kids like you did me, not only will I prosecute you but you’ll never see them again. I said just that. She put her hand to her heart and said “Oh good lord, stop exaggerating. I would never.” Then I moved away to another state – not because of her – other circumstances and she would end up have a telephone only relationship with them till she died. I never talked bad about her to them. Now that they’re adults, I let them have their fond memories. My point in sharing this is that I think the hardest thing I had to get over in regards to setting my boundaries wasn’t realizing what they were, but exercising them without fear of the backlash. I’m glad I know you and can share. ?
I don’t have a choice when it comes to many of those things.
Everything takes time Joy, trust me I am no expert in healthy boundaries. I’m still a big work in progress and I’m stumbling my way through everything in life. You are special, amazing, and strong. Always know that and always know that we are proud of you and think the world of you!