This guest blogger post comes from CJ, who writes for her own blog, Depression Warrior Blog, and is an advocate for suicide prevention and self image awareness. As a suicide survivor herself, CJ writes from the heart and is beginning to reach out and share her story in brave new ways.
I’m proud to share this post and my hope is that it will encourage, validate, and inspire us all in the area of self image.
This is something I have also struggled with my entire life, so thank you again CJ for sharing so openly and helping to raise awareness by speaking out and sharing some of your story!
Lately I’ve been having some problems with my self-image. I’ve always been the tallest…The biggest and heaviest girl. Whether is was in school or the present. Granted, I’ve lost 45lbs but it’s not enough.
When I look in the mirror, I see ugliness and fat. No matter how much make-up I put on, or how much weight I’ve lost or lose, it will never be enough. I will always be the proverbial fat girl. The girl everyone made fun of and bullied.
It’s very uncomfortable when you’re around or go out with some of your girlfriends and they are ALL thin…Yet they say how fat they look. Or their outfit makes them look fat. Are they saying this for attention or do they really think those things??!!?? Meanwhile, I’m looking down at my feet seething inside. 1. Because they are gorgeous and 2. I would give anything to be thin and look like them. Then I feel like an asshole. May a couple of them are looking for the attention. But maybe a couple of them really see themselves as such. Maybe they are going through self-image problems.
I’m afraid of being intimate with someone because of the way I look. Will they look at me disgusted? Will they see me as the fat girl I am? No one wants to lay beside someone who looks like Michelan Man. I’m sure it’s a turn off.
I expressed this to my therapist tonight. And she said it’s my anxiety going on a rampage to destroy me. And there was nothing wrong with the way I looked. It’s the way God intended me to be. Bigger boned. Bigger body. People would like or love me for the person I am. For the person I’m bettering myself to be.
That’s all I am is just ME. I’m a plain Jane girl. I ride a motorcycle. I like to get glammed up for concerts. I love sports. I love nature and being outside. I love camping. I’m a cheap date because I prefer pizza and beer over a nice steakhouse dinner. Which is fine once in a while. But I’d rather talk and eat pizza. Drink beer and watch Netflix or a football game. I’m a very touchy-feely person. So I like to be cuddled and hold hands. I like to be held. I love kisses and hugs.
I feel very clingy and embarrassed when I try to give someone love and affection and they don’t reciprocate it back to me. I feel like I’ve done something wrong. I feel as though they don’t find me attractive. Like I am the hideous Medusa. Or maybe I’m not good enough for them and never will be.
What I learned tonight is that I am beautiful and I am good enough. No matter what. It doesn’t define ME. People will love me for who I am and not what I look like. They will love the entire package or they won’t. If they won’t? “BYE FELICIA!!” I don’t want you, nor do I need you in my life.
I don’t think I will ever get over my self-image problems. I think with time though, I will fully learn to accept myself. I already have started. I have faith.
If you would like to be a Guest Blogger here on SMP, just contact me anytime and let’s share your story!
Feature image courtesy of Pixabay. Memes and quotes credited in url and tags.