This guest blogger post comes from CJ, who writes for her own blog, Depression Warrior Blog, and is an advocate for suicide prevention and self image awareness. As a suicide survivor herself, CJ writes from the heart and is beginning to reach out and share her story in brave new ways.
I’m proud to share this post and my hope is that it will encourage, validate, and inspire us all in the area of self image.
This is something I have also struggled with my entire life, so thank you again CJ for sharing so openly and helping to raise awareness by speaking out and sharing some of your story!
Lately I’ve been having some problems with my self-image. I’ve always been the tallest…The biggest and heaviest girl. Whether is was in school or the present. Granted, I’ve lost 45lbs but it’s not enough.
When I look in the mirror, I see ugliness and fat. No matter how much make-up I put on, or how much weight I’ve lost or lose, it will never be enough.
I will always be the proverbial fat girl. The girl everyone made fun of and bullied.
It’s very uncomfortable when you’re around or go out with some of your girlfriends and they are ALL thin…Yet they say how fat they look. Or their outfit makes them look fat. Are they saying this for attention or do they really think those things??!!?? Meanwhile, I’m looking down at my feet seething inside. 1. Because they are gorgeous and 2. I would give anything to be thin and look like them. Then I feel like an asshole. May a couple of them are looking for the attention. But maybe a couple of them really see themselves as such. Maybe they are going through self-image problems.
I’m afraid of being intimate with someone because of the way I look. Will they look at me disgusted? Will they see me as the fat girl I am? No one wants to lay beside someone who looks like Michelan Man. I’m sure it’s a turn off.
I expressed this to my therapist tonight. And she said it’s my anxiety going on a rampage to destroy me. And there was nothing wrong with the way I looked. It’s the way God intended me to be. Bigger boned. Bigger body. People would like or love me for the person I am. For the person I’m bettering myself to be.
I might not b
e beautiful or physically attractive to some, but to others I just might. I wasn’t intended to look like everyone else. I was intended to look like ME.
That’s all I am is just ME. I’m a plain Jane girl. I ride a motorcycle. I like to get glammed up for concerts. I love sports. I love nature and being outside. I love camping. I’m a cheap date because I prefer pizza and beer over a nice steakhouse dinner. Which is fine once in a while. But I’d rather talk and eat pizza. Drink beer and watch Netflix or a football game. I’m a very touchy-feely person. So I like to be cuddled and hold hands. I like to be held. I love kisses and hugs.
I feel very clingy and embarrassed when I try to give someone love and affection and they don’t reciprocate it back to me. I feel like I’ve done something wrong. I feel as though they don’t find me attractive. Like I am the hideous Medusa. Or maybe I’m not good enough for them and never will be.
What I learned tonight is that I am beautiful and I am good enough. No matter what. It doesn’t define ME. People will love me for who I am and not what I look like. They will love the entire package or they won’t. If they won’t? “BYE FELICIA!!” I don’t want you, nor do I need you in my life.
I don’t think I will ever get over my self-image problems. I think with time though, I will fully learn to accept myself. I already have started. I have faith.
-CJ
If you would like to be a Guest Blogger here on SMP, just contact me anytime and let’s share your story!
Feature image courtesy of Pixabay. Memes and quotes credited in url and tags.
Thanks for sharing this CJ. So many of us can relate to this, and I too, have felt that I will never get over my self-image problems. When I look back at pictures of myself from 5, 10 or 20 years ago, I sometimes think “wow, I was in so much better shape back then. Why am I so lazy and fat now?” Then I remember that even back then, at the time of the picture, I often felt fat and out of shape. This is especially bizarre because I am a personal trainer, yogi and acrobat, but I am also in recovery from exercise addiction and exercise bulimia. At the age of 52, I am happy to tell you, that after a lot of hard emotional work, I am now at a place where most days I look in the mirror and love the person I see, inside and out, regardless of what I’ve recently eaten and regardless of my fitness level at that moment. It continues to be a work in progress, but it does get better and better. You are loved and supported.
Thank you Sheryl for the love and support. I appreciate it so much. I’m still a work in progress. It’s getting easier, but I still have those days where the downer gremlin gets to me. I’m trying very hard to love the person I am. 🙂
MATT–
THANK YOU so much for having me as a guest blogger. It means so much that you would feature one of my posts on your blog. As you know my journey hasn’t been an easy one. But with therapy, love and support I’m bettering myself everyday.
Thank you for everything you do!
Charlie
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Thank you so much for sharing your story. I actually laugh when you said the michlum man because thats what I was called by a stranger last week. I had locked myself away in a wall of fat after sexual abuse and have never been able to loose it. I got close to 400lbs and stayed inside my house for years. I am down to 320lbs and hate to hear my freinds who weigh 150lbs cry because they are so fat they can’t stand it. You gave me a new way to look at this. Maybe they really do see themselves as fat. There will always be people who hat fat people and feel perfectly fine calling us names, feeling embarrasséd to date fat women and making jokes on social media and TV shows. Truely Loving Yourself is so important and a lot of us struggle with that. I can’t wait until I at least can live with a mirror in my house. You really have helped.