So I got the idea for this while I was driving from a therapy session yesterday. I get inspired to write about the things we discuss in a session quite often. It’s an important way for me to process the events of that hour and learn to apply them. Or at least try to apply them.

I see my Therapist twice a week, and as I’ve stated before, she’s amazing, and honestly a total life line for me. I tell her that all the time, as recently as yesterday. I rely on these sessions to not only work through my childhood sexual abuse and past failed marriages, but also just to gain perspective about life in general.

As rock solid as our therapists are though, even they need a break now and then to recharge just like anyone else. In fact, I’d venture a relatively safe guess that they need to recharge even more than the average person does.

Knowing that she is going to be gone for a full week has been a source of serious, and I mean serious, Anxiety over these last few weeks. So much so that I requested a session on Tuesday just so I could get at least one in before she leaves (normally I see her Wednesdays and Fridays).

I was especially drained after our talk on Tuesday, partly because of the topics we discussed but also due in large part to my anxiety getting higher at the thought of her leaving for awhile.

So here’s my plan starting today, March 9th – until I see her again March 16:

  1. Daily thoughts on my emotions, what I’m feeling, thinking, and dealing with.
  2. Anxiety level.
  3. Coping skills used, distraction skills used.
  4. Pretty much anything else that comes to mind that might not normally manifest itself in my brain.

So….here we go:Day1 of t1 full week without therapy

Anxiety Level – Morning – Normal

Anxiety Level – Afternoon – Slight elevated

Anxiety Level – Evening – Normal

See chart below – I normally hang about 1/2 way to 2/3 of the way into the yellow. I rarely completely relax and feel stress free. I mean it’s definitely rare. My mind is always on something. On a bad day I’m either into the red or right on the border of yellow & red.  

Coping Skills used today –  

  • Watched a video from Jodi Aman – How to calm anxiety in 20 seconds. 
  • Listened to some music I had not heard in awhile. Helped to keep my mind from wandering too much either at work or after. 
  • Checked in on Twitter pretty regularly, which is calming for me. Knowing others are out there on similar journeys is re-assuring.
  • Exercised – Went for a short walk over lunch and also for a longer one this evening. It was so nice out today, 75 degrees, I just had to get out for a bit.

Distraction Skills used today – 

  • Traced corners of my desk at work a few times when I felt some anxiety and stress building on conference calls. That generally works fairly well.
  • Used metronome app on my phone. Focusing on the rhythmic tick tock to help focus my mind and bring it back from wandering.
  • Finished up, Victims No Longer , over my lunch today. Downloaded a new one, Leaping Upon Mountains, by Mike Lew. 

Flashbacks – 

Had one this morning while getting a shower and getting ready for work. This is when they normally happen. Lasted for a few minutes, multiple memories and feelings all at once. Literal actions he performed on me, his touch, the room and surroundings. This is typical during a flashback for me.

Random thoughts of happenings throughout the day – 

This morning wasn’t too bad overall. Work was steady as I have projects to focus on, but I have to watch because my mind wanders on breaks or just randomly for no particular reason. 

Afternoon was pretty decent as well actually. I was able to get some additional work done on a project and didn’t have too much in the way of Dissociation or over Anxiety.

After the walk in the evening though, I’m home now and within minutes of walking into the door, I can feel a bit of anxiety hit. That’s when I hopped on the computer to finish up this first entry in my tracker for this coming week. I know as the rest of the evening goes on my mind will start to wander more and more like usual, and I’ll likely do some more reading and maybe catch up on a couple shows.

I don’t have my son tonight or tomorrow night, which means a lot more alone time.

Outlook until the next session – 

Right now, things are pretty ok at the moment. No big mood swings, no raging Anxiety, no major sadness or depression. I’ll take it, but this is day 1 so there’s a long way to go.

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My normal state consists of parts of the Yellow section. General Anxiety, Fidgety, Restless, Forgetful, Negative Thinking, etc.  When I do feel Good, it’s only temporary. My mind is always on something. On a bad day I’m either into the red or right on the border of yellow & red

Good – Anywhere in the Greenanxiety zone levels

Normal – Just into into Yellow, but knowing something could happen at anytime to send me into elevated status, is always on my mind.

Elevated – Close to border of Yellow & Red

High – Right on the border of Yellow & Red, if not just into the Red

Crisis – Definitely well into the Red.