Today is the last day before my session tomorrow. I’m both stoked for it but also a bit concerned how things will be when I try to sleep tonight and spend the evening alone. Counting on a Twitter support chat at 9pm EST to help ease the tension and relax in the company of some amazing survivors.
Anxiety Tracking: (see reference chart below)
Wake Up – Elevated – Pretty much the norm if you hadn’t noticed :). It its what it is. I did have another Flashback this morning.
Morning – Normal – Work was busy, but not over the top. I was able to keep focused for the most part, only Dissociated a couple times very shortly.
Afternoon – Normal – Not bad overall, again keeping busy on some projects and listening to Music.
Evening – Elevated – Mainly because I picked up some fish for the aquarium and worried how they’ll do. Hoping this turns into a calming influence in short time. Then I felt good for a bit, then later in the evening the Depression started and I went from OK to sad in a hot second.
Bed – Normal – The twitter chat tonight helped big time. #SexAbuseChat
Coping Skills used today –
- Music –Listened to it all day and while driving.
- Reading & Hot Bath – Relaxed after dinner and did some reading. Some soft music in the background.
- Caught up on a couple episodes of Hawaii FiveO that I was behind on. Love that show!
- Played my bass this evening.
Grounding Skills used today
- Traced corners of my desk.
- Meditative Breathing.
Random thoughts of happenings throughout the day –
Dissociated a few times at work and at home, but I do that more often than I realize most of the time. I usually remember how often I spaced out after I get home in the evening.
Flashback this morning again. First time in awhile that I’ve had 3 in one week. Usually average 2, down from 5 before. Lots of random memories of surroundings this time, not quite so much of the actual acts that happened.
Special thanks to a couple twitter survivor friends who encouraged me today – @diggergrl1 & @amelievondollar
Topic in the Twitter chat I referenced before was about Mindfulness. I got myself a bit of an education tonight. Guess I need to do more research on mindfulness and the differences between that and Meditation.
Thank you so much to everyone who commented, liked, and reached out on Twitter during this week. You all are so amazing and I’m grateful for the new friends I’ve made and how we all support each other.
Outlook until the next session –
I’m taking notes with me to the session tomorrow. I’m so anxious to talk to her it’s not even funny. I’m actually have anxiety thinking of how I fit so much in after a week. Do I try to focus on just a couple things or cover everything? I’m thinking I bring up all of my thoughts and then we just start working through them one at a time, rather than bring them up at a time. This is how my brain works, always over thinking and time traveling.
As I mentioned earlier, this evening out of nowhere instant sadness and loneliness set in. It was literally within minutes of just hanging out. I spent quite awhile trying to figure out why I was so sad rather than trying to fight it off. I’m thinking it might be culmination of a long week of ups and downs and knowing tomorrow is a session and I’m just a bit overwhelmed.
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My normal state consists of parts of the Yellow section. General Anxiety, Fidgety, Restless, Forgetful, Negative Thinking, etc. When I do feel Good, it’s only temporary. My mind is always on something. On a bad day I’m either into the red or right on the border of yellow & red
Good – Anywhere in the Green
Normal – Just into into Yellow, but knowing something could happen at anytime to send me into elevated status, is always on my mind.
Elevated – Close to border of Yellow & Red
High – Right on the border of Yellow & Red, if not just into the Red
Crisis – Definitely well into the Red.
