This is a continuation of the series on the writing assignments that I had in recent therapy sessions. You can read the first one I posted, This is what Lonely Feels Like, to get an idea of what they are all about. Essentially these are my thoughts looking at how the emotion affect me personally as someone who has a history of childhood sexual abuse, and now has PTSD, Dissociation, Anxiety, and bouts of Depression.
The word I chose for my next assignment was “Anxious”. Pretty obvious one right?! This one also jumped out at me right away and I knew I had to get my thoughts down on paper, or this post as it were J .
Trigger Warning – This is what Anxious feels like to me –
The emotion itself is a constant questioning of what may or may not happen, what could happen and how I will handle it. An overall feeling of being unsettled, unable to enjoy the here and now, and completely over thinking anything and everything. This also causes me to become fidgety and end up Dissociating too.
Being anxious is waking up in the morning and not feeling completely rested, but rather instant brain activity of wondering what is going to go on today. If something goes right, will I be able to enjoy it or will I over analyze it into oblivion and end up taking a good situation and diminishing it into a source of stress?
Will something bad happen at work? Can I handle the tasks that I have to do today? Will my End of Shift notes for work be long enough to justify my job? Will I get something bad in the mail, or a bad phone call? Will my son’s grades fall when it’s so close to the end of the school year?
Sitting at work and wondering what I will do in the evening. Will I feel lonely and sad, or will I just feel nothing at all?
When will another flashback come, will I be able to connect with it? Probably not, which is of course frustrating and
causes anxiety. Will I ever be able to fully understand the fact that I may not ever fully remember everything about my past? Will I be ok with that? Can I accept it?
I don’t want to miss any of the Survivor Chats on Twitter each week. This causes me stress because I don’t want to miss a chance to interact with the survivor community and embrace that support and supporting others.
Will I have something good to write about in a blog post coming up? Will people be able to connect with this? Do I have a few posts drafted up in case I don’t get time to write at some point? Wait, what if I don’t get time to write?! Will I ever run out of topics to write about?
Will the fish tank that I have set up keep the fish alive, will they start dying off because I don’t keep up with the chemical balance in the tank? How much of a pain will it be when I move this summer to try and move those fish and that aquarium set up? Will they all die?
How much money will I have left over after this check? Can I put some extra in savings or will I blow it on something pointless? I have to make sure I pay my bills on time no matter what. I need to get money in youngest son’s lunch account at school too, don’t forget that!
Will I remember everything I want to talk about in my next session? Will my therapist be able to fit me in on a second day this week if I need it? If she can’t, how will I handle it? Will I have a meltdown and end up being out of commission for a day? I need two sessions a week, it’s become part of my routine and structure.
But do I really need two sessions, or is that just me not having confidence in myself to only need 1?
Maybe I just need to do more mindful breathing, but what if I don’t get time? What if I forget to do it? Will I get out of my routine, will I forget everything I’ve learned so far?
So this assignment was full of questions, as you can tell. Anxiety fills your mind with all of the never ending questions, analysis, and “what ifs”. It loves to make you second guess yourself about every little thing.
-Lyric
Feature image created by me, text and background.
If I get anxious sometimes I get so anxious I just paralyzed myself into not doing anything. I had a job that pushed my limits and sometimes I had to “fake it until I made it” or I would not have been able to do that. Of course, some days I still feel like I have to fake it until I make it and it doesn’t matter it seems if I’ve proven to myself a million times that I can. I still doubt it.
Funny you should talk about “fake it to make it”. I’m working on a piece for that topic as well; although it’s proving to be a bit more tough than I anticipated to organize my thoughts around it.
Today I was so anxious at work man it wasn’t even funny. We have this tedious, and I mean TEDIOUS project that involves a ton of clicking around and staring at spreadsheets. I was so crosseyed by the time I left I couldn’t even see straight. That of course caused me anxiety because I have to continue it tomorrow. Most of my projects involve more than just 1 sheet and the same God forsaken screen over and over and over. I could totally feel myself getting frustrated and just needing to stop before I had a meltdown or something.
As a GAD sufferer, you nailed it, Lyric! Thank you for sharing your experience. Sure it will resonate with many! Best, Nana 🙂
Thank you Nana for your comment and the support. :?) It truly means so much to me when my thoughts help others in any way possible. Anxiety is such a big part of my daily life, and hopefully by continuing to try and understand it I’ll one day have it more under control and not let run my life so much.
My brain is in constant “what if mode” or “if only I had done this differently” mode, it makes it hard to appreciate the present. I’ve had someone tell me my what ifs were illogical my response was, “I don’t choose to think these thoughts.” I think you’ve captured anxiety perfectly.
Hi Retta, and thank you so much for your comment. It means the world to me when amazing survivors like yourself take a minute to share their thoughts. I’ve lived my entire life with the “what if” mindset and believe me I have a ton of regrets. Nothing about what we go through illogical to those that understand where we come from and what we’ve been through. There is hope for us though, hope as a survivor community to support each other and always validation of our journey. I’m learning little by little that my past doesn’t define my future but it sure isn’t easy. Stay strong friend, you are special!