As some of you may know, one of the things I’m currently struggling with is talking about my inner child. It’s a potential trigger for me, but I still need to try and understand some things about him and I’m hoping that you, the reader can help. i want to connect with him on a child level but right now I can only seem to do it on an adult level, which of course hinders my healing progres. As a suggestion from my therapist, I’m posing this question to everyone with the hopes that I will get as much feedback as possible.
In recent sessions I’ve been trying to understand why I, as children who was sexually abused, continually went back to my abuser time after time. I didn’t have to see him, I could have easily avoided him. Yet I went back repeatedly because I thought he was cool and popular. He preyed on my innocence and groomed me to the point where he had me hook, line, and sinker. I was a silent, willing, victim as a 10-12 yr old boy.
***Trigger Warning***– Please do not feel obligated to continue reading this particular post if the memories are too hard to relive. I don’t want to trigger you. However if you are far enough along in your healing that you feel comfortable with sharing this part of your life a bit, I will take any advice and insight you can provide.
Here’s the questions that I’ve been asking myself, my therapist, and now you the reader.
As a child, what made you go back to the person who sexually, physically.verbally or emotionally abused you? What kept you from telling someone about it? Or if you did tell someone, did they do anything to try and help or just brush you off?
Was it a family member you just couldn’t avoid? A church member or staff you saw regularly? A friend you didn’t want to lose? Were you so scared you didn’t know what to do, threatened? Did you feel like being with that person meant so much to you that you that you were willing to risk potentially being hurt again? Maybe you Dissociated each time to the point where you didn’t remember much of what went on that negatively affected you?
These are all questions I’m trying to understand.
Thank you and I appreciate so much the support you all are giving me! It means the world to me!
Below are some of the responses I received already via Twitter, unedited, and I am so grateful for the input! This helps me understand why I struggle with this and perhaps it can help you as well.
I will keep this post updated as I get more responses on Twitter or Email. If you do send me an email I won’t use your name if I put your comments here in the post.
No one understands how I still him but he stopped the abuse from guilt and was a friend after that. I look at the good.
My situation might be different to others but it would have killed me if I didn’t confront him and heal from it. He is dying from Parkinson’s atm and believes it’s his punishment. It hurts me to know this but it’s his guilt to bare.
@meandme3010 I suspect if not abused you would not understand why we did this